You're just a shadow in my mind

blah blah blah long story as to why i'm on this one.

i have a new journal. all who want to be added to the friends only list, as it is friends only, please comment on it. the address is:

www.livejournal.com/users/s0cial_anorexic

not saying i'm anorexic. i wanted it sociallyanorexic but it was too many letters. fuckers.

gonna go update the new one now. later.

 

heres my beastly school picture. at least my hair turned out red. not that anybody NOTICED that my hair was red. 

tonight at the football game i'm going to be there with kayla and jon. jon!! i cant wait.  matt is also supposed to be there but i dont think he will.  hahahaha.  he's prolly doing drugs at the moment, and will forget about it.

 

we're going downtown (kayla and i) to get her eyebrow pierced. i must say that the walk is damn near going to kill me, considering i pulled a muscle in my upper thigh running w/jamie in pe. i TOLD YOU I COULDNT DO IT!!  :-P

 

later!!

 

heather

 

faaaat guy in a liiiiitle cooaaaatt.....HAHAHA I'M JUST KIDDING MEATSHOE!

theres matt in alllll his sexyyness!!  wooo meatshoe.  ow ow. you sexy beast.

this is me and my best friend hank, aka kayla.  L to R: me, kayla.  this was last winter, a night long ago that involved purple kool aid, vodka, orange juice, blonde hair dye, and an I-Zone camera.

yea, thats me.  the same night last winter.  by the way, i usually dont have one eye bigger than the other and a down syndrome kind of lip thing.

this is guch and dan, aka dan and dan.  L to R: guch, dan

the gangs *almost* all here.  L to R: me, cooter, kayla.  some people *coughKAYLAcough* say i look like i'm in love with cooter. i tend to disagree strongly. i was looking up at him saying 'smile cooter!'. i was caught at a bad moment.

i am lost without you

this be my sophmore school picture. 

and this be the lovely kayla!!!

 

THE END!

first day of school fuckers.  i'm in the LMC during 3rd period hanging out with bovey :)  (he's going to wonder why his name is in bold..hehe...).  this morning i saw hyena and her family...oh joy.  fuckers.  i havent seen jordan yet though.  i wonder what shes thinking about me. actually, i could care less about what she thinks of me.  because i'm an asshole :)

 

i kept waking up during the night and looking at the clock. finally the alarm went off at 5:50 this morning and i sat straight up, looked around my dark room, rubbed my face with my palms, and got out of bed to go get in the shower.  i wont give you details about my shower because honestly, ya'll dont need to know about my showering habits.  ;-) 

the fall fun festival at regina is in 2 weeks, i think i'm going.  KAYLA DO YOU WANNA COME WITH MEEEEEE????  and i can CRAAAASH AT YOUR HOOOUSE?????  since i dont have to go camping (thank god).

 

camping this weekend was fucking horrible. it was boring as hell, i felt like shit, and i just wanted to go home.  i was left alone in the motorhome for 6 hours with NO FOOD, i was pissy, my batteries died in my diskman, and shiiiiii son. 

 

i think i'm getting bored, and hungry, and thirsty. idk what time this period gets out though.  i gave chelsie directions to study hall (FRESHIE STUDY HALL!!) and heather directions to room 209.  i feel so helpful today :)  but knowing me, this day will start out great and i'll do something retarded like get in a fight.  fuckkkkk.

 

why do i always get into fights?  why do i feel the need to be a badass? hankles, can you help me with this?

 

i want some gum.  now. but i have chorus next, and trust me, its not easy to sing with gum in your mouth. and lesbo sandles will rat me out because he hates me. oh well.  who cares! 

 

like kayla said:  they only hate you because they want to be you

 

<3 to hankles!!

 

i'm out, this is boring. 

 

xoxo

 

harold

I'

hello all you out there in livejournal land. howdy do.  I figure I might as well tell you guys this before you all try calling me millions of times to get ahold of me.  I might not be here for the rest of the week, and during the weekend I'll be camping.  I might be going to my sisters :)  who I haven't seen in over a month.  It's going to rock.  Hopefully we can start acting like siblings once again.  I really cannot wait for school to start. I know I say this in every post, but I'm tired of summer.  I wish I could sleep on command so I can pass the time that way, but I can't.  I was talking to my sister about how I'm bored and I have nothing to do, and she suggested going over to her place.  Which sounds like a really good idea.  So when my dad gets home, I'm going to ask him and see if he'll drive me over there.  She said she could either come get me or dad could drop me off, it doesn't matter :) Christ, this font is bright.  Color change.  My grandma might come soon!  But she's getting so old, it hurts her back to be in a car for long.  So I suggested coming up there and getting her, but even just sitting in a car hurts her.  So we're trying to get the money together to pay for a plane ticket for her.  She's getting so old, I don't know how much longer she's going to be here.  Which is a horrible thought.  She's been here for so long, I don't know how to think what would happen if she died.  Which I know everyone dies at one point in time.  But I'm so used to her saying she's getting sicker and sicker, and all of the time she appears to be well.  I remember when I was 8 she had "four months more to live".  That was 8 years ago. But when my dads mom died, and we went up to Michigan, I noticed that she really is looking sicker and sicker.  She has a horrible cough *well, she smokes*, and she shakes and she's bone thin.  I'm worried about her.  I hope somehow she miracously gets better.

There's a new wind blowin' like I've never known.
I'm breathin' deeper than I've ever done.
And it sure feels good, to finally feel the way I do.
I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you.

An' I'm lettin' go of all my lonely yesterdays.
I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made.
Now there's just one thing, the only thing I wanna do, mmm, mmm.
I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you.

Yeah, I wanna feel the sunshine,
Shinin' down on me and you.
When you put your arms around me,
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do.

I used to run in circles goin' no-where fast.
I'd take, uh, one step forward and two steps back.
Couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to, mmm, mmm.
I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you.

Whoa here we go now!

Yeah, I wanna feel the sunshine,
Shinin' down on me and you.
When you put your arms around me,
Well, baby there ain't nothing in this world I can't do.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand,
But you're teachin' me to be a better man.
I don't want to take this life for granted like I used to do, no, no.
I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you.

I'm ready to love somebody,
Love somebody like you. Oooh.

An' I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you, yeah.

Oh yeah.
Oh, I wanna be the man in the middle of the night,
Shinin' like it's true.
I wanna be the man that you run to whenever I call on you
When everything that loved someone finally found it's way
Wanna be a better man
I see it in you yeah...

okay, i'm going to put my picture in here. please be honest with your opinion and tell me straight up what you think. but dont be too harsh :-/

 

Post anything that you want (in comments) and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a confession, a fear, a love, anything at all. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.

for everyone who thinks they're being really clever and mature by saying that i'm a dumb bitch or a whore or what not and posting it as anonymous...you're not. if you want to say stupid shit like that, you can own up to it. thank you and have a nice day

holy fuckin A. i havent gone to bed yet. this is the latest i've stayed up in like...since i was in like...6th grade. i'm babbling and seeing things. and i've drank 2 cups of coffee. and some weird hobo guy was looking at hank and i!! AHHH!! wtFFFF!!!

so now we're just sitting here watching IMT *outkast-hey ya*. hank talked to adam on the fone for 4 HOURS , i KID you not. so cute :) we're all going to beef days on friday. cant wait!! womp womp.

i tried to paint my fingernails, but i'm so delusional it looks like shit. hahaha.

"....OOPS!"-me

here's my rap!

micheal jackson is a child molester
he wears too much polyester
his nose is gone
he needs some gold bond
he is so ugly i cannot comprehend
when i see his face i take immediate offend
he hung his kid over a balcony
he said it was for the crowd to see
but i dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth
because he has female organs down south

fuck YYYEAA!! adam and i were sharing our raps/songs with kayla. she was like convulsing with laughter.

"and the dog ate the quarter!"-adam

wow. what an interesting guy. hehe. I TOLD YOU HANK!

what to say. oh lord. i just started randomly laughing my ass off...and almost fell off the bed. kayla thought i was crazy, losing my mind. maybe i was. then i swore something was crawling on my hand. and somehow my makeup got all over my face.

dude, i knew adam and kayla would hit it off. she HATES talking on the phone, and i've never seen her talk on the phone for that much. first my cell phone died, and now the cordless is pry on its way too. dude. i'm soo damn good.

do you know what? i love myself. and hank. we're so damn hot. bitches =P

we were standing outside, and just....kayla was on the phone, this was at...like....5? and she was just pacing back and forth talking to him. twas cute. and i was 'communicating' with a bird. then i was afraid i was gonna be shit on, or raped by a wild bunch of birds. who knows, it coulda been their mating call, and i was whistling back! haha. then that creepy guy showed up =/

my eyelids are soo heavy but i'm totally awake. what the hell.

and for some reason beyond my imagination, kayla got this disturbing image of me masterbating with a bird, which she related to the scene of reagen masterbating with a crucifix in 'the exorcist'. holy hell. this has been the most cracked out weekend of my life. holy shit. if i stay again i think i'm gonna croak.

and as soon as the sun came up, we brushed our teeth. haha. its almost 7. mi padre should be waking up sometime soon. i also had to do my hyena impression for adam. haha. he laughed his ass off. or so kayla says. i wasnt talking to him that much :) shes the only person i will allow ppl to call my cell and ask for. ever. remember this, bitches.


hank's lip is going numb, and my stomach hurts. we're pry getting abs from laughing so damn hard, the entire day, and the 4 hours she was on the phone. and i have to piss again. goddamn coffee to hell!!

omg..lol...this is for hank and mines journal: mom came home with her ass signed from a concert! hahahaha. she got her GROOOOOOVE on!! i'm so proud :') and she got a wee bit tipsy. hehe.

dude, i love my hair. madre cut it for me. oh yea, i already mentioned that. but too bad!! if you dont like it, dont read it. fuckers.

i think......wait. i dont think. hehe

and i would like to share with the world that i HATE avril. with a burning passion. along with all canadian posers. fuckers! go back to canada. i just noticed, she has the christina aguleria thing going on with her hair. and she's 'PUNK'???? ooooookay, herman.

we've lost our HIM cd!! lets have a moment of silence.



(silence)




okay, that was enough. *tear* we came home and the kitchen was CLEAN. i didnt know it could be cleaned from the hell hole we made it! we tried to clean it, but kayla is anti-cleaning, and i'm just lazy. she almost puked b/c she had to load the dishwasher. lol she was like 'I DONT KNOW HOW!!' and then we couldnt get it hooked up. b/c we be retarded. but oh well. you love us anyway :) but seriously, she was really about to puke. she was gagging and the whole nine yards.

why do they say 'the whole nine yards'?? what IS the nine yards? is it like the green mile? or is it like...idk. i hate thinking.

kayla and i are discussing the green mile. how would that feel to know that it would be the LAST mile you will EVER walk, in that body? how significant can it get? oh how sad :( i hate the part in the movie when that mean guy steps on mr. jingles. fucker!!! i screamed and ran into my room. and didnt come back out. i <3 mr. jingles. even tho i hate mice. rabie infested demons!!

dont you hate it when you look up something on google and shit COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMES UP????? i mean WTF. i just looked up 'happy noodle boy' and some mark guy came up wearing a helmet with horns. ......


and we kept hearing the SAME song on the radio!! 'i dont wanna know' played like 9 TIMES!!! what is WITH that song??? i dont wanna HEAR IT ANYMORE!!

share the moments, share life.


fuck you, i'm not sharing my life and/or moments with just anybody. cept hank, jordan, adam, madre, and howard. haha. too bad for the rest of you.

I
LOVE
BEING
ME!!!!


goddamn, hank is rubbing off on me. she gave me self confidence!! :') so this is what its like to like yourself. what a liberating feeling.

"anytime something goes bad, i'll just be like *shrug* at least i'm still great!"-hank

tis true!!

and anytime something goes wrong with me..i'm like.. '....i think i can i think i can i think i can!' i'm the little heather that could! yeah fuckers!! DATS RIGHT!!

"if i could die having sex...dude...wow."-me

more quotes from today:

"dot dot dot"-me

"is this over yet?"-hank to the cop

"excuse me sir! do you need help?"-me to the cop who was falling down the hill trying to get up there and yell at us

"WHAT THE FUCK! YOU DONT TELL PEOPLE I'M ON CRACK, MAN!!"-hank to dumbass

"jfksdjfksdljfdksfjksdf sbooiiiiiing fjdkafjsdk rawwrrrr chhhhhhh"-hyena impression (by yours truely)

"HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA"-adam on all the subjects! cuz we're funnayyy!

"why do they call him puffy? does he have a bush? a big puffy bush?"- me on p.diddy/puffy/puff daddy

"dude! the cops are stalking us now!!"-hank

"i hear birds! do you hear birds? or am i going crazy?"-hank

"i got to see your beautiful eyes"- JP

"I HEAR THE BIRDS THROUGH YOUR PHONE, DUDE! do you have a bird?"-hank to adam

"he's not my dad, he's my sperm donor. plus he gives me money"-hank

"omg. i hear a baby crying! did we get a baby?"-me

"dude..eyeliiiineerrr...on guys! sexy sexy"-hank to adam

"yea, i tried skating two days ago, i think i broke my toe"-adam

"why are you avoiding me?"-james to kayla
*big smile* "because i dont like you!!" *big smile, valley girl voice*-kayla to james

"you wanna drink whiskey with me?"-nick
"uhhh......*silence*...no."-me

"i ripped off a pepsi machine at hy vee!!"-ben

"who was that who pushed the emergency button?"-cop
"uh...that'd be me" *perfectly normal, 'whatever' tone*-hank

"pushing that button is like pranking the cops"-the cop
"my bad"-hank

"omg! omg! i'm sorry!!" *hysterical*-me

"i felt like telling him i was young and stupid"-hank

"DA QUIZNOOOOOO SAAAAABS!!!"-hank n harold

"WHAT IS WITH THIS SHITTY FUCKIN MUSIC???? I HATE THIS SHIT!!"-hank

"were there black people 20 years ago?"-me ASKING HANK WHAT SHE SAID..i'm not retarded

"imagine if you were on acid and you had some liquid ice thingies!"- me
"yeah, you'd be trying to figure out the chemical formula and shit!"-hank

"when i get tired...i like start drooling.."-hank

"i just did a you and looked in the mirror smiling"-me

*blank stare*-me
*turns around* AHHHH!! WHAT THE FUUUCK!! *runs inside* GET IN HERE NOW!!-hank
"what the fuck! what the fuck!! whats going on?!!? are you guys okay?!!?'-adam

"god i love myself"-me

"hey ma!! wanna know who i feel sorry for?"-me
"who?-ma
"ugly people"-me

"look at this face! its PERFECTION!"-me to JP

"...harold?"-hank
"YEEEAHH!! WAKE UUUP!!"-me *pulls on lip ring, shoves toast in face, sits on hank, pokes at cheek, pulls hair*
"....i thought you were saeger. i was going to kill you"-hank

"....we are....crazy!!"-hank

"godddamit, i have to piss again!!"-me AND hank
(20 minutes later....)
"AHH ME TOOO!! hey, my pee is clear!!"-hank

"i'm harold from da bronx"-me
"harold from the bronx. shit. my bad. from DAAAAA bronx!!"-hank

"you can tell if they're canadian. they say 'eh' alot"-me
"i say 'eh' alot"-hank
"but they also say 'aboot'"-me

"ITS THE SKIIIIIN MARK OF BUDDHA!! IT LOOKS LIKE HE TOOK A DUMP ON YO FACE!!"-both of us

"i hope you get a virus! you AND your computer!"-me

"i'm tired"-adam
"dont sleep!"-me
"but i gotsto!"-adam
"no, you...gosto...stay...awake...ah fuck the thingie is moving again"-me

"i'm like...hallucinating! things are moving!!"-me
"how ya feeling?"-adam
"....i just told you"-me

"dude..lets go tan!"-me at 5AM
"yea, we dont want to miss any sunlight!"-hank

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"-hank
"a junebug"-me
"no way! its white! and spotted! it almost took my head off!"-hank
"what the fuck is it?"-adam
"its a bug!"-hank
"EAT IT!"-adam

okay, dude, we're going to rot your minds if you read anymore. and you cant say funny shit like we can. dude. we're just too damn funny for our own good. =P thats why efferone loves us! we're the damn sunshine kids.


harOld and hAnk

i feel like a lump of shit. like there is a hole in my heart, that can never be filled. it feels like my heart litterlys skips a beat, but not in a good way. nothing i do is enough. i try and i try but there is always someone better than me, doing better at what i'm trying to do. i'm losing grip on this disillusioned reality. not that i care :-/

jesus h. christ. i should be happy. I'M SIXTEEN! but its like.... :(

i'm sixteen, i have no job, i have no spouse/partner, i have no money, i dont even have my license, wow, i'm on a roll, huh?

i actually got an application to mcdonalds that i should be filling out soon. goddamit my mouse is REALLY pissing me off...as is my computer.

hank-i wanna see you! i miss you. we must do something soon. and i'm not just saying that because i want my birthday presents. lol i'm not THAT greedy.

i also spent 2 nights at howards house. TWAS FUN! we told buffalo bill that i have a pacemaker. he was like 'do you start sparking when you have sex?' and i was like 'no but sometimes i have to stop because it starts ticking bad' lol HE BELIEVED US. then he was like 'okay i'm going to tell keaton that you have a pacemaker' and i wasl ike 'YOU FUCKIN DUMBASS, YOU THINK I HAVE A PACEMAKER? I'M 16!!'

what a liberating feeling, being able to say that. i'm sixteen. sixteen, mother fuckers.

i know the world is real, but nothings as it seems, but i can tell you freely, touchings not the only way to feel

i should type about my birthday. i got up, went to drivers ed, drove, got a B, came home, fell asleep, woke up, talked to hank, hoped she felt better, called up howard and asked her if she wanted to come out to eat w/me, she said yes, i took a shower, got ready, howard came over, we went out to eat, i got serenaded by an old fat white guy, we ate cake, went back to my house, linzy picked us up, we went to waterfront hy vee, howard was talking about vibrators, then some scary midget guy was driving behind us, we then went to first ave hy vee, keegan gave me a birthday hug, we then went back to howard and louis' house, i talked to JP on the fone, i met buffalo bill over the fone, we went to bed.

sounds thrilling doesnt it.

:(

i feel like shit run over.


harold's depressed and she doesnt like it

2 guys asked me to hang out this summer. i mos def want to hang out with one of them. the other one has a girlfriend. so i'm kinda iffy about that. i dont want my ass kicked.

i'm a jiggalo...always on the go....everytime i turn around i got another show...cuz i love these hoes...

good song ^^

i'm wearing a skirt tomorrow. oooo boys watch out. cuz miss heather is single and on the loose.


tomorrow is the seniors last day. no more of scotts funny comments in sociology. no more ashley or kelsey or SEAN DEAL or BEN BORGJSTAL...sp? haha. idk.

5 more days fuckers.

so i heard dani and ben are both mad at me. fuck you.


this has made me realize that i cant trust ANYONE anymore. male, female, both, neither, i dont care, i cant trust you. any of you.


im sorry if that implies to any of my best friends, you know who you can thank for this.


who cheated on me?

who lied to me?

who did i give my heart to, only go get it stomped on so brutally?


yep, you guessed it. do we need to give a quarter to them today, johnny?

disabled says i should get over him. yeah, easy for him to say. he didnt get crushed.

bet you're having a good laugh about it, arent you?

do you even realize the damage you've done?

remember all those promises i made you? how i promised i'd eat? how i promised i wouldnt cut myself? FUCK THEM!! THEY'RE GONE. BANISHED. GONE FOREVER AND EVER.

and since you broke up with me i've lost 4.5 pounds. not like you care or anything since you have YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND.

Kick En De KoK: i love u
PrincessHarold68: i love you too forever and ever and ever
Kick En De KoK: ever and ever
PrincessHarold68: plus 1
Kick En De KoK: plus infinity
PrincessHarold68: times a million
Kick En De KoK: infinity plus 47609
PrincessHarold68: to the 10th power
Kick En De KoK: time 1
Kick En De KoK: million
PrincessHarold68: plus 15748415451545
Kick En De KoK: time 4
Kick En De KoK: i win

how could i have fallen?

Kick En De KoK: i wanna be with you forever and ever and ever


i thought it was true :-/

Kick En De KoK: o my i feel so lucky to have you


yeah. thats why you cheated on me, eh?


Kick En De KoK: you are my baby
Kick En De KoK: my honey
Kick En De KoK: my love
Kick En De KoK: my heather


MY GOD AHHHHH. why why why?!?!


Kick En De KoK: i want to be with you forever too
Kick En De KoK: you are the best thing in my life
Kick En De KoK: i love you soooo much


best thing in your life, eh?


Kick En De KoK: idk wut id do without you

looks like you're doing fine


Kick En De KoK: in ten years i wish i will be merried to you and wake up next to you every morning and ewverything would be perfect

sure you do.

Kick En De KoK: you are my shining star!

looks like i've burned out in your eyes.


Kick En De KoK: omg i love you


and suddenly this sweetness has gone to....

Kick En De KoK: i kissed dani on friday:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'( :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'( :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'( :'(:'(
Kick En De KoK: i didnt want yo uto dump me
BLINDzeroGIRL: what?!
Kick En De KoK: idk why i did it
BLINDzeroGIRL: oh my god
Kick En De KoK: the guilt
Kick En De KoK: i love you
Kick En De KoK: nooooooooooooooooooo


Kick En De KoK: im sorry!!!
Kick En De KoK: i dont like her
BLINDzeroGIRL: but you kissed her?!
Kick En De KoK: i dont know what came over me

BLINDzeroGIRL: and you said you'd never go back to her?
Kick En De KoK: you have been the best girlfriend ever
Kick En De KoK: i dont know why
Kick En De KoK: god i love you
Kick En De KoK: i dont know why
Kick En De KoK: i love you heather
Kick En De KoK: im soooooooo sorry


Kick En De KoK: i love you
Kick En De KoK: im sorry i did this
Kick En De KoK: i love you
Kick En De KoK: you are the best thing in my life i love youuu soooooooooooooo much im soooooo sooooooo sorry
Kick En De KoK: :'(

Kick En De KoK: god im soo fucking retarded
Kick En De KoK: you are the best thing in my life
BLINDzeroGIRL: i dont know what i did wrong. but i must've done something if you felt the need to do that.
Kick En De KoK: you didnt do anything
Kick En De KoK: dont blame yourself
Kick En De KoK: it was me
Kick En De KoK: i was the stupid one



when will you realize what all you've done? all the hurt you've put me through. all the tears i've cried. the pounds i've lost. the promises i've broken.



to everyone that i've ditched or been a dick to because i was thinking of ben or i had to see him, i'm sorry. but you wont see me back to that way ever again. because i loved him with my heart and my soul. i still do. but look where thats getting me. no where.

how could you look into my eyes, and know that my heart, my soul, my inner being is because of you?
how could you watch me sleep knowing that i sleep dreaming of being with you?
how could you let me wake up to you when you know that i sleep to make the time pass by to the time that i see you next?
how could you hold me in your arms and know that my heart beat multiplies every time you touch me?
how could you meet my family knowing that one day they'll be your family in law?
how could you kiss me knowing that your lips were on ANOTHER GIRL'S?

this hurts so much. this hurts so much more than scott telling me that he used me. this hurts so much more than the break up with brady. this hurts more than anything i've experienced in my whole entire lifetime, with the exeption of my moms death. i think this ranks up with that.


i feel like i lost my best friend. i'm still with you, but how do i know if you're stil there? how can i trust you? how can i look into those eyes knowing that they've decieved me?

how can i go on?

my eyes hurt from crying so much. shelly gave me a hug and let me cry on her shoulder. she says i should give you another chance, which i am. my family loves you.

how could you meet my family and pretend like everything was okay?

why wont these tears stop? its like all of my sorrows that i've packed away for the past 16 years have suddenly broke loose and now they'll never stop. i'll be crying all day tomorrow. i cant eat anything or i'll puke.

i want to run my hands through his hair, and look into his eyes and see me looking back, i want to lay my head on his chest because it fits so perfectly there, i want to kiss him and feel his soft lips on mine, i want to feel him hold my hand in his big hand and gently squeeze it, i want to wrap my arms around him and hug him so tight it feels like i'm trying to squeeze his soul into mine. his soul and mine are one.


i want you to look into my eyes and see the tears fall down my cheeks. see your reflection in them and know they are because of you. because i love you so much and i cant live without you.


tears are the same when they are trying to grow something good out of all the pain


but i cant grow anything out of this pain except more tears. why does this hurt so much? no wait. i have a beter question. why do guys continually do this to me? am i just naive and gullible? or is it just the way i look, the way i act, the way i fall in love? because i fell in love with you, ben, and now look what happened. i tried not to fall in love with you. i knew from past experience that love only ends in pain. but this is unlike any love-and unlike any other pain- that i've felt before

i've been crying for about an hour straight now. i think i'm getting some abs from this. or just some extremely blood shot eyes.

i'm going to go lay down on my bed and cry some more. cry for the yesterdays.

oh my lord. havent written in a while. i got through the weekend some how, i dont know how. mos def because i had my baby ben and my best friend hank to keep me sane! i love you guys!

oh shit. i tore some cartelige in my left knee last night at practice and OH it hurts so bad. i mean wow. the pain is like blinding. but i have to be a man about it and suck it up. sheesh. the things i do >.<

and now is the part i need to rant. i've said it once (yesterday at hy vee) and i'll say it again:

FUCK HER! FUCK HER BOYFRIEND! FUCK ALL THE TIMES I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TRYING TO KEEP THIS FRIENDSHIP ALIVE. FUCK ALL THE TIMES I'VE STUCK BY HER THROUGH THICK AND THIN BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE HATED HER. FUCK ALL THE TIMES I DEFENDED HER WHEN PEOPLE TALKED SHIT ABOUT HER. FUCK ALL THE TIMES I SAID SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK ALL THE SHIT SHE'S TALKED. I DONT GIVE A RATS ASS ANYMORE. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT.

okay. i'm better now. =D lol karen came up to me and she was like 'heather! i saw your boyfriend yesterday! he's so hot! omg.' and heather h. was like 'is he really hot or are you just saying that?' and karen was like 'no he really is hot' and heather was like 'is he dirty?' and karen was like 'mos def not' and heather looked at me and she was like 'wow heather! you got a good guy!! keep him. get me a picture.' haha. ben, i'm abducting you and taking you to school with me :) and you wont get your ass beat. lol. maybe by me, but thats a good ass beating. ;-)

oh yes! we have yet another bet! wesley says 2 weeks. haha wesley, you're gonna lose. and ima laugh my ass off.

and rob, fuck you. who exactly are you dating? yeah, thats what i thought. BOYEEE. in yo face.

i almost got kicked out of study hall today for apparently being 'disrespectful'. ugh. here's a basic rundown of what happened:

dan was hepling me re wrap my knee up.
teacher: HEATHERRRRR
me: yeah, i'm here
teacher: I KNOW YOU'RE HERE, BE QUIET.
me: dan was helping me wrap my knee, it only took a minute or so
teacher: if you want your knee wrapped, go to the health office
me: uhh....(swear words mumbled) maybe i dont WANT to use a pass
teacher: fine. then do something quiet.
me: do you have any colored pencils?
teacher: NO
me: goddamnn!
teacher: WHAT DID YOU SAY
me: i didnt say anything!!! [at least anything that i thought he would hear..]
teacher: WHAT...DID...YOU...SAY?!
me: NOTHING...CAME...OUT...OF...MY...MOUTH!
dan and eric: yeah she didnt say anything.
teacher: heather if you say one more thing you're out.
me: okay. wait, does that count? can i start over?


and i'd like to announce that i am offically SICK of biology and we're not even a week into the new unit. i hate mini med school! mrs. K told me i would be a good gynecologyst.

....

for all you who dont know, that is a cooter doctor.

now either she thinks i'm sensitive enough to say 'you have a sexually transmitted disease', or she thinks that i have a good grasp on the reproductive organs. lets go with the first choice, shall we? =/

i called my ben today!!! and he wasnt home. the dear was skating. :) i love my skater boy. i love him to death :')

never any part of any crowd, cause her heads stuck up in a cloud, no denying shes a funny girl that belle

i love disney songs!!

there must be more than this provencial life

if i knew what 'provencial' meant...i'd tell you. i have a dictonary somewhere in the genreal vicinity of my room, but i dont feel like getting up with my knee all messed up. and its bad enough that i have to go up and down the stairs just to pee.

today in chorus, it smelled like ASS. i mean like litterally a DIRTY ASS. i couldnt stand to warm up b/c of my knee, so i was sitting down...and i couldnt smell it until (this certain person who i wont name) sat down. and it like drifted over towards me. JESUS, TAKE A SHOWER =x i almost died. people sitting 2 seats down from me were like 'oh my god what is that smell?' so that means that, not counting her, 5 people down could smell it. ugh. how am i supposed to sing in those conditions? it smelled like a SEWER.

i just thought of something. okay, you all know the song 'part of that world' from the little mermaid?? i just thought of another meaning to the song. shes talking about she has everything, but yet she wants more. she wants something that shes never experienced before. "maybe there is something the matter with me. but i dont understand how a world that makes such wonderful things can be so bad." could it also mean love? i know that the actual meaning of the song is how she wants to be a human, she's tired of being in the water, she wants to know when its 'her turn' to know everything all the people know. but yet, could it mean love? think about it. love, from far away, can look like a wonderful thing. you want it, because you've never experienced it. you're ready to know what its like. but to people who have had it, they sometimes wish they never knew what it was like. because it sucks so much sometimes. but thats only when you're in love with the wrong person..unlike me!! or maybe i just look for what i want to know in songs. innocent songs that are meant for children. AHH. whats wrong with me :'(

wish i could be part of that world

and guess what! i AM part of that world! that wonderful world known as love. ben, i love you :) forever.

today actually kinda sucked.

first period-sucked
second period-sucked
third period-almost got kicked out and slept a little bit
fourth period- I HATE MATH I HATE MATH I HATE MATH. i got 15/48 on my quiz. fuck math.
fifth period- I HATE MINI MED SCHOOL. I DONT WANT TO BE A GYNECOLOGIST
sixth period- SMELLED LIKE ASS
seventh period- went and saw the trainer, who told me that i either tore cartildge or i have an ACL-which i dont know what it is. and all day long i gimped around, because i couldnt really go up the stairs, because i can only bend my knee so far, and my school is way too overcrowded, with what, over 1600 people crammed into a building. it reminds me of subways in japan.

and brigett wont leave me the hell alone. she knocks on my door..opens it..and stands there and stares at me. STOP LOOKING AT ME, I'M NOT A STEAK. ;[

and i also found out that SOMEONE is talking shit about me and saying that i 'better not' come up to her again and tell her THE TRUTH, because shes getting 'really fucking sick of it'. fine. fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you TO HELL.

the only people i can tolerate being around right now are ben and kayla.

IN WHICH....
I...
SEE...
MY...
LOVE...
BEN...
TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay :)